While most New Years resolutions usually have the longevity of toilet paper there are certain resolutions that relate to your phone that you absolutely must agree to for the sake of modern mobile mankind.
5: I WILL NOT TAKE MY PHONE INTO THE TOILET – EVER
Note that this resolution specifically states the TOILET, not just the Bathroom . Lets face it. taking ones phone into the toilet has unfortunately become the rule, not the exception.
As gross and unhygienic as this practice is, if you have a phone, odds are that you have taken your phone with you to the potty. Ladies we’re not talking about having your phone with you if it’s in your purse when you go powder your nose, we’re talking about actually taking it out of your purse and texting your BFF while you poop (you know who you are). Guys usually don’t have the inherent social etiquette to even attempt to hide this when they do it, they just prefer to perch at the latrine, pecker in one hand, iPhone in the other. But, both species are guilty of this toilet travesty when it comes to copping a squat to do you know what.
Now you may wipe and wash when you’re finished but I’ll bet dollars to doo-doo that you don’t wipe down your phone. So when you’ve emerged fresh from the boudoir, just consider where that odd little splotchy mark on your cell phone came from the next time your fervently trying to scrape it away with thumb and nail.
fecal phone fumbles are a crime against humanity. It’s nasty. Stop it.
4: I WILL NOT TWEET AND EAT
Not just for Twitter but Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and any and all image sharing apps because Snapchatting sandwiches is a clusterfudge of epic proportions too. I have been guilty of this culinary malfeasance much to my shame. After all a great meal so very much deserves to be immortalized but does EVERY meal need to artfully photoshopped with a mysterious vignette sunset colorization and two toned border, and then published on Instagram?
One of the confounding things about the emergence of mobile technology in society is our stunning immaturity with mobile etiquette in modern social intercourse. How many times have we seen or even been “that person” who taps and tweets on his/her phone throughout an entire dinner? Occasionally looking up with that semi autistic glazed look of faux interest and interjecting a timely “uh huh” or “Right?” so they can post about how they “went out to dinner.” Like an addict with a needle in the hand, you can almost see the “Morphone”(see what I did there?) calling them back to their touch screen. “Just one more tweet. Just one more post. Just one more tap and I’ll be right back with you..”
If that’s you, stay home. You offer absolutely nothing to any social situation when you’re Googling your food instead of eating it. Choose your fork, not your Flipboard.
If you’re at home, at dinner with family and you’re such a self-absorbed ass that you can’t even put the phone away and be there with your family then you’re a sad, sad little Morphone junkie.
How about this. Tweet AFTER the dishes are done you ingrate. Instead of texting LOL at lunch why not put your phone down, engage in conversation one on one and have a real, bonafide moment when gosh! You actually did Laugh Out Loud.
3: I WILL NOT POST ON FACEBOOK MORE THAN ONCE A DAY
As astounding as this might be for you to hear. your life is seriously not that interesting. Sure, if you are pursuing an maurading Afghanistan Warlord, dressed in a star-spangled loincloth, armed with nothing more than a toothpick and a blowtorch, or you’re travelling the world in a Hot Air Balloon with the cast of Mad Men and a case of Whiskey sure, post away as much as you like. THAT’S bound to be interesting. But, the twenty seven pictures of you trying shoes on (or the classic accidental cleavage selfie for girls and tummy suck selfie for guys) and the endless pithy observations about everything from astroglide follies to zeitgest outrage could be – for the most part – interesting, but ONLY if you post one or two a day.
Any more than two posts a day (three at the most if you are having one of those million dollar days) is either just Narcissism, boredom or a repetitious kind of social self aggrandizing in the search for Likes and Shares as a replacement for the high fives and hugs you want but aren’t getting.
Offline at least.
2: I WILL NOT TEXT AND DRIVE
Just don’t. There’s a reason it’s pretty much law every where you go. Because you drive like a giant A Hole when you’re texting and driving. REGARDLESS of how good you think you can perform this, life threatening multi-tasking magic, you just cannot do it and do it safely. Thousands have tried, failed and died. Killing other innocents in the process. Millions are doing it and failing and doing it again because they didn’t die. To think you can do it and not be a danger to yourself and others is an insufferable arrogance that kills people.
That text is just not that important. It’s not. Killing someone so you can insert a smiley face emoticon at just the right time is just…just don’t OK? OK, rant over.
1: I WILL ANSWER EVERY CALL I GET
Ok, so this is a tough one, especially when texting is surpassing phone calls as the primary means of quick and short communication. However, we screen our calls and even REJECT them in favor of texts. Admit it. Someone calls while you’re in the middle of a text and you dump the call so you can continue to write your text. Think on how ludicrous that is. You are saying you are preferring to communicate by short message type than actually having a conversation with someone.
Ultimately it comes down to the importance you place on the phone call. On the person making that phone call. As every mobile phone built today now cones with caller ID and your contacts list just slides right in, there is no feigning that you don’t know who is calling. Ironically, you would probably pick up the call if you DIDN’T know who it was. You’re just simply making a choice to tap instead of talk.
And that, is a sad state of affairs. Choosing to eschew real-time voice-to-voice conversation in favor of tapping, tweeting or typing your conversation is just plain lazy and prejudicial.You’re assuming that the person who is calling does not have anything of value that you want to hear right at that moment. Stop it. Dumping a call so you can text instead is really dumping on the person.
Answer the phone. Don’t let your fingers do the talking.
Happy New Year from Webology Inc 🙂
Vaughan Palelei and the team from webologize.com